Cuz you loved her too much and you dived too deep…
That’s impossible. It’s completely not possible for you to love her too much and then dive too deep. And yeah, sorry, I’m gonna write this from the perspective of a girl, talking to you guys. But a lot of what goes for guys goes for girls too.
You’re probably thinking this is going to be another cliché blog about chastity and love and blah blah blah, you’ve heard it all before. You’re probably right. But who knows, maybe I’ll surprise you and even myself.
First things first, though—I’m not going to give you black and white rules here. Life isn’t black and white. This is more my ramblings on something I’ve thought about, and I’m not about to say I have all the answers. Ha, wish I did. Then I’d be a saint!
So, what do I mean when I say that Passenger is completely wrong and what they’re saying is impossible? I know from experience that it seems they’re right. Girls, you know what I mean. You’ve just met someone, and there’s that little something you don’t even fully comprehend, but it’s exciting. You go to a party that you hope he’ll be at, and spend the whole night waiting for him to walk in the door, and when he does, you nonchalantly make your way over and casually sit with him for an hour (or two, or three, or the whole party…). Gradually, you want to spend more and more time with him. And eventually you find out it’s mutual. How much better can it be? You email, you chat, you flirt without even realizing you’re flirting. Perhaps someday you realize you’re in love. And coming to that realization, you want to dive in deep. Now, I don’t mean you’re planning to break the sixth commandment or anything, but perhaps your relationship is becoming solitary and exclusive, and more than just a healthy friendship. Maybe you’re dating, and you think, “That’s what you do, though, right? When you date, you spend time alone—you’re trying to get to know the guy after all.”
Right. But only half right. Chastity books and speakers will tell you that a lot of solitude can be dangerous, and relationships, even dating relationships, should never be exclusive.
Guys, this is where you come in. For us girls, it can seem completely harmless to want to spend time with you. What can one more phone call do? What can one more walk do? We really like you, we may even love you. So, why shouldn’t we spend time with you? Why shouldn’t we get to be with the person we want to be with?
We want to spend more time together—doesn’t this come from loving too much and diving too deep? No. Because that’s not how love works. Love doesn’t dive too deep. And that’s what I mean when I say Passenger is wrong. Love knows the limits and what is really best.
So, gents. It’s your job, as men, to keep us from diving too deep. And in doing this, you have to protect us from yourself too. Maybe this is all on the flip side, and it’s you who’s having trouble keeping your distance. That’s what Passenger is saying, right? You, young man, love us too much and dive too deep. But do you love us? Do you want us to prosper and thrive in God’s will for us? If you do, you’ll make sure we don’t dive too deep. One more phone call might just be one too many. One more walk might just cross the line that brings you to that unhealthy place you don’t want to be. I’ve got another song running through my head here. One is one too many, one more is never enough. True that. And as much you may want that one more whatever, and just as much as we may want it—and trust me, it hurts like hell to avoid spending time with you—our (yours and mine) chastity matters more. Because until we say “I do” and give ourselves to you completely, our chastity belongs to God and God alone. “One more” can lead to another, and another.
Chastity isn’t just not having sex. Chastity is the successful integration of the sexual powers within a person (cf. CCC 2337. Check out these paragraphs for some really good insight on chastity: 2337 & 2338). Chastity allows us to keep those special moments for that special someone. What if you share a really close hug, a simple caress, the three-word phrase, and it means the world to you? Then a year later, everything has fallen apart between you. Another year later, you’re with someone else. And you know that with that hug, you’ve given a part of you to someone that you weren’t meant to be with.
I’m not saying you can’t hug, or that you can’t have special moments. But you have to be aware of your limits and where your relationship is at. And also be aware that having those special moments makes it more difficult to distance yourself from that person, if you have to.
But like I’ve said, it’ll hurt a lot. How the heck are we supposed to keep ourselves apart when there’s nothing we want more? That desire may not be evil or objectively sinful. I may be having a really bad day (that essay just won’t flow…), and all I need is a hug. And you know. You want to comfort me, you want to tell me it’s okay. What’s so wrong with that? Nothing, in one sense. But there’s the bigger picture to consider. And that’s when you have to figure out what’s right. And if you feel that the right decision is to hold back, have courage! Think of it like the next big challenge God is placing in front of you. It’s do or die. And you hold back because you love her. Afterwards, you will feel so much stronger, so much happier, even while you’re dealing with the pain of separation. That pain is temporary and short-lived. The pain that comes from making mistakes lasts a lot longer. And if you’re scared to do the right thing, I have a quote for you: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).
Remember this—and this is possibly the most important thing I can say—if it’s meant to be between you two, someday, you will get to have that moment, and so many more. Isn’t she worth waiting for? Of course love is incredibly hard when you realize what it entails, but if it wasn’t, then it wouldn’t really be worth all the fuss, would it?
You love her. She loves you. Act on that love. Love is selfless, and not just on one side. Gals, don’t make things hard for him, but challenge him to wait for you. Guys, don’t go in too far, and let her know she’s worth the wait.
Love is incredible. When you choose to love, and someone has chosen to love you (’cuz love is a choice), you will get the biggest high of your life. Everything is brighter and all you want to do is listen to Pharrell Williams…well, at least that’s what I do when I’m happy. Don’t let it go to waste. It’ll be a learning curve, because amor amicitiae (the highest form of love and friendship) doesn’t come easily, and you will make mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of life, and from them you will hopefully learn. If you learn from them properly, they can make you stronger and more resilient for the next time. The saints didn’t become saints without making mistakes, although those little saint books we read as kids may have made it seem so.
And you can do it. We can do it. We’re in it together, and we’ll win together by being apart. Make any sense? I know. No. Too bad.
One more thing that might sum this up and encourage you a bit.
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small.
Truer words were never spoken.
Places I got some ideas from:
The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Husband and The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Wife by Stephen Wood
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris
“Let Her Go” by Passenger
“You and Tequila” by Kenny Chesney
“So Small” by Carrie Underwood
Guest Post by Angela Henry